my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
time to smoke my breakfast
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
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