and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
