I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
