Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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