You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Randomize
