We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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