So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
