This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
