Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Randomize
