You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
