Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
