I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
