So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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