Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Randomize
