He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
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