Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
