$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Randomize
