I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
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