If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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