I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
