I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
