I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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