I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
