I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
being pregnant is like rehab
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize
