So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
