I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Randomize
