if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
