I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
