Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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