She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
