If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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