Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Randomize
