My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
