I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Randomize
