You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
