god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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