I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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