I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!�
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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