she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize
