just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
