Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
