gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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