wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Randomize
