If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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