actually, I'm a sock model
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
