I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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