please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
