Midget sex pt 2 tonight
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
