I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
