mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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